Beauty in the Breakdown

Chronic illness doesn't stop. It's stubborn and mean and damn persistant. It's the biggest bully you will ever come across. It beats the hell out of you and while you're on the ground, broken, asking for it to finish its job, it takes a step back. It takes a break for a few days and lets you pretend like you are normal. You find a glimmer of hope in the stillness. Then, just as quickly as it went away, it's back again. Like a thief, it steals your future hopes and dreams, your health, your energy and your life. I think that's what keeps me fighting, the hope for a good day. I'm learning how to cherish those days and spend them with those who matter most. I'm also learning that, quite frankly, I don't give a crap what people think. The only people that matter now are the people who don't care that I am constantly in pajamas. They don't care that I rarely shower. They don't mind skipping a night out at a party to have a night in on the couch watching movies. They hold me when I break down. These are the people that I love. These people are the ones who do everything they can to keep me in the moment. As I am really struggling with this new diagnosis and the possibilty of another one, I look at my beautiful life. The life that, yes, is full of pain and medications and tubes and doctors; but a life that is also full of hope and love and faith. When I take a step back to look at the bigger picture, I'm always completely blown away by the magnitude of His presence. I don't and can't and never will understand why He chose me to fight this battle, but I trust that the reason is bigger and more beautiful than I could ever fathom. I'm being torn apart, but somehow, it's okay. Somehow, He makes it beautiful. 

#faithnotfear